Facebook
by Rietto
Summary: Witches can use facebook, you know? it's special privilege only given to those who believe in witches' existence.
1. Chapter 1

**Battler Ushiromiya** to **Beatrice Golden** What in the freaking purgatory is this?

xx:xx pm x comment x like x share

**Beatrice Golden** Ah, Battler… I see you finally found the courage to use the little gadget I left in your room earlier… I'd say, I'm impressed. I thought I'd have to wait another eon until you regain your annoying self.

Well done. *claps*

**Battler Ushiromiya** Again, what the hell is this?

**Beatrice Golden** Why, this is facebook!

**Maria Ushiromiya** Kihihihi~ Battler is so stupid he doesn't know facebook.

**Beatrice Golden**, **Lambda Delta** and **Erika Furudo** like this

**Battler Ushiromiya** Oh great! Dishonor the dead! Now you use my cousin to hurt me… Not gonna work. I know your tricks now! I'll admit that your annoying self matched hers, but she is dead!

I don't want to hear you use magic to revive her. Sock it up.

**Maria Ushiromiya** …

… Uu… Maria… annoying?

**Eva Beatrice** I believe I speak on behalf of all witch exist AND the Ushiromiya family when I say…

YES YOU ARE ANNOYING!

**Lambda Delta**, **Erika Furudo **and **Frederica Bernkastel** like this.

**Maria Ushiromiya** Uuu... Is that so? Is that so, Beato? U... Maria is sorry...

**Beatrice Golden** Of course not! Maria is not annoying at all! That little purple troll is. I mean, even George hates her! There must be some kind of magic involves for that.

**Virgilia Finite, Yonjuugo Siesta, Lucifer Stakes** and 13 others like this

**Eva Beatrice** HEY! George loves me okay? I'm his mother. It's unwritten rule that all kids love their mother! That's why he always does as I say!

**Beatrice Golden** Yeah, and the fact that you killed him AND his fiancé will make him love you even more.

**Gretel Scarlet** the reason it's unwritten is because it doesn't exist. I believe you can say 'George hates me' in red. Maybe you can even say 'Everyone hates me' in red.

**Beatrice Golden** likes this.

**Lambda Delta** …. Who in the freaking hell are you?

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**Maria Ushiromiya** Depressed because of the latest revelation, uuu… TTATT

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**Beatrice Golden** Okay that's it. You're moving with me to Golden Land.

**Maria Ushiromiya** likes this

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Frederica Bernkastel** to **Gretel Scarlet** Explain why you're here.

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**Gretel Scarlet** I want to join the convo. I don't think it's breaking any rule.

**Frederica Bernkastel** I suppose not. The name is a problem though.

**Gretel Scarlet** What's wrong with my name?

**Frederica Bernkastel** It's too obvious.

**Gretel Scarlet** if he can figure it out on his own, I'm not breaking any rule. If you don't like it, it's your problem.

**Beatrice Golden** Oh I assure you, Lady Bernkastel. That idiot Battler won't even realize this red haired girl as his you-know-what even if she told him his deepest darkest secret.

**Lambda Delta** HIS WHAT? TELL ME! I WANNA KNOW!

**Beatrice Golden** See? Even his guardian doesn't get it.

**Frederica Bernkastel** … whatever

**Gretel Scarlet** … I hate you.

**Beatrice Golden** Oh, I love you though. You're another amusement in my boring long life.

**Gretel Scarlet** I'm tired of your love mumbo jumbo. Shut the hell up.

**Frederica Bernkastel** likes this

**Lambda Delta** CAN SOMEONE PLEASE ANSWER ME?

**Beatrice Golden** Well dear, I must say… You need to love me more. You won't be able to see Battler's incompetence without it~

You're as good as blind.

**Frederica Bernkastel** … shut up.

**Beatrice Golden** Oops ;p I leaked off a clue. How silly of me~ Kyahahaha~

**Lambda Delta** CAN YOU ALL PLEASE STOP IGNORING ME?

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Lambda Delta** to **Frederica Bernkastel** OKAY I WANNA KNOW WHO THIS GRETEL GIRL IS! TELL ME!

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**Frederica Bernkastel** stop using caps lock. It's annoying.

**Lambda Delta** fine! Now tell me! You're too protective of her!

**Lambda Delta** for the love of the fragments, tell me she's not your new girlfriend!

**Frederica Bernkastel** she's my piece.

**Lambda Delta** really? Phew! Hey, wanna come to my place? I'm holding a tea party~

I have wine, spicy candy… you know, your favs.

**Frederica Bernkastel** sure. I'm bored anyway.

**Lambda Delta** oh oh! And after that, we can have barbeque! I have this feeling we'll have meat to grill later.

**Frederica Bernkastel** okay I guess.

**Lambda Delta** you know, I kinda miss our last game… Wanna ruin that kid rika's future?

**Frederica Bernkastel** whatever you say

**Lambda Delta** whatever I… really? Will you be my girlfriend?

**Frederica Bernkastel** Don't push it.

**Lambda Delta** whyyy? I've been nice to you, right? I've changed! I know! You like this gretel kid huh? Tell me the truth bern!

**Frederica Bernkastel** she is a great piece

**Lambda Delta** OAO you do! You like her! I'll fucking kill her! How dare she steal away my bern from me?

**Lambda Delta **… waaait… I know… hehehe… bern~ let's make a deal~ if I can trick her into killing herself, you do anything I say for a day. How's that sound?

**Frederica Bernkastel** she's smarter than you think

**Lambda Delta** and I'm more awesome than you think~ come on~ just one more bet before the next game start?

**Frederica Bernkastel** … fine. You lose, and you'll guarantee your own failure.

**Lambda Delta** deal~ I win, and you sleep with me. Look forward for it, bern~ ;D

**Gretel Scarlet** does it ever occur to you guys that I can read all this?

**Featherine Aurora** likes this

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Battler Ushiromiya** Just read all convos. Sick of witches. They only spout out nonsense.

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**Gretel Scarlet** likes this

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A/N : Facebook fic is on the rage nowadays, and I wanna make one for umineko fandom. Let's just pretend Beatrice left Battler a laptop that runs on magic, okay? No humans, just witches and furnitures. Well… can't say for later chapt tho. **


	2. Chapter 2

**Lambda Delta** to **Frederica Bernkastel **Beeern~~ remember our little additional bet? I won~ owo

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**Frederica Bernkastel** you won the battle, but I won the war.

**Lambda Delta** Whatever! Just hurry up here before the burgers gets cold! And it's 1 – 0 for me now! Woohoo! Now I'm the strongest again!

**Frederica Bernkastel** like I said, I won the war. It's 2-0 for me.

**Featherine Aurora** I'm confused of you kids' rules in playing games...

**Virglia Finite, Ronove Genji, Battler Ushiromiya** and **4** others like this.

**Frederica Bernkastel** it's simple. Once a winner, always a winner.

**Lambda Delta** Yeah! One win nullify all the loss AND your opponent's win. And so, it's one for me, big fat zero for bern!

**Frederica Bernkastel** no, two for me, zero for you.

**Lambda Delta** Nuh uh! I won!

**Frederica Bernkastel** the culprit is still unknown. My win.

**Lambda Delta** No. Mine! The mastermind is beaten! Clearly my win!

**Frederica Bernkastel** mine

**Lambda Delta** Mine!

**Frederica Bernkastel** mine.

**Lambda Delta** Mine!

**Featherine Aurora** ... this won't end soon, will it?

**Frederica Bernkastel** mine.

**Virgilia Finite** They may be thousands of years old, but they haven't grown at all. Hohoho.

**Battler Ushiromiya, Mammon Stakes,** and **Featherine Aurora** like this

**Dlanor Knox** Please refrain from causing commotion in this SITE. I was nearly deployed to stop you BOTH.

**Lambda Delta** MIIINE!

**Virgilia Finite** ... Dlanor, why do you use caps lock on the end of your sentence? I know your way of speaking is unique, but to use it here is...

**Gertrude Jungfrau**, **Cornelia Jungfrau, Erika Furudo** and **12** others like this

**Frederica Bernkastel** mine.

**Dlanor Knox** Someone sent me VIRUSES. They make all word at the end of sentences written with CAPITAL. I can't help IT.

**Gertrude Jungfrau** Permission to speak. The culprit is apparently a member of this site. The system is too hard for us to break. Asking permission to see private information of the members.

**Eva Beatrice** DENIED! Everyone will know where my gold is then! No way! Nu uh!

**Featherine Aurora** true... it won't be fun for the game then... you can at least wait until the game ends, can you Ten Wedges?

**Lambda Delta **how many times do I have to tell you... that it's FREAKING MINE!

**Eva Beatrice** What the hell? The gold is CLEARLY mine! I found it!

**Virgilia Finite** ... Can somebody please stop these two before more people spam this site?

**Dlanor Knox** Featherine: I don't MIND. It doesn't bother me that MUCH.

Virgilia :Order has been received from the higher UPS. I shall now stop THEM.

**Dlanor Knox** YOURS

**Lambda Delta** YOURS!

**Lambda Delta** ... wait... AAAAAAAAAAAAGH! CURSE YOU DLANOR!

**Frederica Bernkastel** ... thanks...

**Virgilia Finite **and **Featherine Aurora** like this.

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**Dlanor Knox** to **Virgilia Finite** What is going ON? Higher ups are upset of the sudden increase in witches' number in this FRAGMENT.

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**Virgilia Finite** my student decided to 'help' a certain idiot she fancied. And apparently her guardian decided to use it as an opportunity to pass out boredom.

**Dlanor Knox** In other words, Beatrice was bored and decided to go on a killing SPREE. Bernkastel visited because she was CURIOUS. Lambda Delta followed HER.

**Virgilia Finite** that's pretty much sums up everything, yes.

**Dlanor Knox** I SEE. I may need to visit in the FUTURE. I'm learning stuffs about the case right NOW.

**Virgilia Finite** Hoho. If you do, please visit the Golden Land. Let's have another tea party.

**Dlanor Knox** LETS. I have a lot of things to DISCUSS.

**Virgilia Finite** like what?

**Dlanor Knox** Like whether Beatrice really loved BATTLER. Or is it true that Lambda Delta and Bernkastel are going OUT. Or whether Kanon is a CROSSDRESSER. Or whether Gaap really doesn't wear UNDERWEAR.

**Maria Ushiromiya** I'm curious also, uuu! I wanna know uu!

**Erika Furudo, Battler Ushiromiya, Featherine Aurora** and** 30** others like this.

**Battler Ushiromiya** I wonder if George-aniki managed to get a peek. Hihihi~

**Virgilia Finite** ... so you want to gossip, right?

**Dlanor Knox** I hate using the word GOSSIP. I prefer the term verifying TRUTH. I'd like to ask you to use the red text after ALL.

**Gaap Holes** Being openly about stuffs is what being a woman is all about nowadays! This isn't 1800, you know (I'm looking at you Lia). We have this big boobs and curves to be shown to the world!

**Battler Ushiromiya** likes this

**Dlanor Knox** ... I take it you are verifying the statement I wanted to clear UP.

**Virgilia Finite** SHUT UP! Don't tell me how to be a woman! A lady should only show her body to her husband! You really are a bad influence for Beato! Gapgapgapgapgapgap!

**Gaap Holes** oAo I'm surprised... So just for this reason Riiche isn't allowed to go shopping with me? No wonder she enjoyed that fight between Kanon and Lucifer!

**Lucifer Stakes **...

...

I don't get it... Please elaborate...

**Battler Ushiromiya** ... to tell you the truth I kinda like looking at that fight too...

**Gaap Holes** Riiche must have wanted someone to set her free from that prison called clothing! That's why she like seeing Kanon slashed Lucifer's uniform!

**Lambda Delta** ... bern, you once tore my gown apart... did you ask me to tear yours? I'm sorry I don't get it! I'm so sorry! A

**Virgilia Finite** ... Gaap... I, the Witch of Finite, the one that knows the limits, have reached my limit in holding up my anger. If you don't stop this now, I'll track you to the end of the ocean and personally end your life

**Frederica Bernkastel** ... idiot

**Dlanor Knox **Is this ACURATE?

**Eva Beatrice** No way... should I really change my style?

**Gaap Holes** You should! A woman should appeal to men by wearing more revealing more alluring clothes! Or you'll end up like Lia over there. Seen as an OLD WOMAN!

**Virgilia Finite** That's it. Your going down.

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**Battler Ushiromiya** Waiting for you-know-who to stop pretending to be dead.

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**Lambda Delta** ... You can't possibly be serious...

**Gaap Holes** to think Riiche is interested in this idiot...

**Virgilia Finite** Battler-kun, that kid is really dead. You ought to know. You hugged her ghost

**Erika Furudo, Eva Beatrice** and **Frederica Bernkastel** like this

**Battler Ushiromiya** ... wait, what?

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**A/N : Coz just like the witches, I am bored also...**

**Rantaid : I lost my laptop. XD I'd like to think the witches stole the laptops from future fragments.**

**Thanks for the reviews guys.**


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